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Looking for my Phojo

I am struggling to find my phojo.

It began fading while I was preparing, packing and moving to Virginia. Moving consumed so much of my energy that my photography dwindled to an occasional shot of my cats or moving boxes. I have some nice shots that document our life at that time but I sincerely regret that I did not have time to haunt my favorite photo places one more time. There is also a growing list of places that I had intended to get too in Arizona and photograph but due to health, money or time, I never got the chance and that haunts me.

The drive out to Virginia was horrendous. It is a whole other blog post. We spent four days in the car. Sleep. Eat. Drive. We made no stops in hotels or touristy photo ops. We just drove, juggled our resources and did our best not to yell at each other. By the third day, my body completely gave out. I could not stay awake for one hour unless I slept two. It was two days of sleeping and trying to stay awake long enough to drive. Nothing would keep me awake but, again, that is another post. Needless to say, I did not have time for photos.

Now, the first few months here have been a deep struggle between health and settling in our new place. I’ve had a few opportunities to get out and shoot but, well, I just don’t have the motivation. I have no interest in anywhere. Whenever, I ask around about places to shoot, I get a Civil War Memorial or a cemetery. I have no interest in shooting a cemetery. It’s just creepy and gross. Civil War…I’ll pass…I have too much anger and too many issues over southern history to spend my days photographing it. Just typing that sentence makes me angry.

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I miss the Salt River, the wild horses, the cacti, the canyons…I miss shooting Arizona. But, I am here not there. I am trying not to complain. I am trying to be positive. I am trying not to cry all day. I am trying to keep looking ahead and moving forward. So, I have stopped photographing Virginia because, because I am furious at it. I left Virginia in 1993 and I never intended to return here. I never intended on moving to the east coast. Ever. Period. Forever. I hate it here.

But I am here. I miss shooting. I am taking lots of photos of my kids and the cats. A more intimate look at my life right now while I sort out this anger toward Virginia and the south…

I can’t believe I moved here.

Jamie

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Friday’s Thoughts and a Photo

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Two weeks into this new blogging adventure. I am beginning to establish a habit of writing every day which is something that I have not done in an extremely long time. Probably close to a decade since I abandoned any and all writing. I think my writer’s brain may be leaping, no sputtering, back into action kind of like an old superhero who shows up to save the day but just can’t quite leap over tall buildings like she could in the old days. None the less, I think about writing every day now due to the blog and that is a tiny leap to save my day.

I think a lot about the direction I would like to take Bent Blossom. I think the needle on my compass is twirling in circles as if captured in a magnetic force field causing it to spin wildly in no particular direction. In July, there was a major crisis in my life concerning my son which upended our lives. It was one of those events where instantly you knew things were never going to be the same again. My life is not the same and it will never be heading in that direction again. Foolishly, hopefully, I thought it would have settled into something by now but the dog days of summer have passed and autumn should be here any day now and still nothing but uncertainty greets every sunrise. Old things are passing away. I wait impatiently for new things to sprout. So, I don’t know where the blog is going because the compass has yet to cease spinning. Right now, I have blog and I write every day. That’s all I know.

Still no word from my job interview on Monday. Some friends are saying that if they had interviews all week they may wait till Friday to make a decision. I completely understand. I also am acutely aware the rent is due in 11 days. I need money today not in 3-4 weeks from maybe Friday. So, I’ve agreed to an interview tomorrow for some seasonal warehouse work. It’s one of those if you show up then you are hired. I’m praying I can do it. I’ve got two bad knees, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, chronic pain and who knows what else is wrong with me. Twelve hours of warehouse work is not ideal but neither is being homeless so I feel like it is a pick your poison situation. The warehouse work is temporary, just till the end of the year. Praying I can muster enough for that length of time and get us caught up a little financially. We shall see.

Ah, yes, the photo. This is a shot of a night-blooming Cereus or Queen of the Night as we call it here in the desert. I absolutely adore these flowers. It is always a treat to see them bloom on the cacti but you have to be outside at night to witness them spread their flower wings and decorate the night desert. I used the headlights from my car to light up this bloom and grabbed some great shots.

With that, I am drawing today to a close. I have many errands to run tomorrow. I probably should sleep.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine