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Lonely Girl

Loneliness.

At one point in time, in everyone’s life, we all come face to face with the formidable opponent called loneliness. None of us are immune from experiencing seasons where we feel like we have been hung out in the storms of life all by ourselves. I wish I could change that but it is simply a fact of life that we all must learn how to wade our way through. No amount of wishing will ever change that reality. We all will face loneliness. Each of us will be alone at some point for whatever reason.

I must stress that it is imperative to say, loud and clear, I have had tremendous support and friendships throughout my life. I have been on the receiving end of some of the greatest outpourings of love in my life. I am extremely thankful for the people who joined my life and provided support whether it was in the form of friendship or money or just a phone conversation to let me vent my frustration. I am an abundantly blessed gal in this department of life. I see these loved ones. I acknowledge their gifts and help in my life. I am in both debt and gratitude to some superb people.

I am not speaking about having a life void of family, friends, loved ones and all the brilliant, extended support they contribute to our lives. I am talking about the loneliness that shows up right as you are about to fall asleep and in the dark, you come face to face with the stark reality that despite generous love and support, when it comes down to the grit of life, it is only you.

Your life may be full of loving family and friends but when the gnarly, huffing, beast of loneliness stares into your soul, you are stripped of all pretenses and you know, you are the only one who is responsible. You are the only one who is going to catch it when the shit hits the fan. You are the one who will feel the brunt of any bad choices. You are the one who has to muster the strength to carry it, whatever it is.

Loved. Supported. Encouraged. Helped. Alone.
Truth is, we can have all the extended love and support in this world but still be alone.
At least, I have always felt this way. Maybe this is my truth.

I had one of those lone moments again today. Only this time there was added element. I’ve been looking for housing in Prescott. It is turning into a nightmare. Any place that we can afford, doesn’t take pets. Any place that takes pets, we can’t afford. That is only part of the problem. The few places that we can afford and allows for pets don’t have rental units open for months. Which means, if we move and have no place to live, I am spending our savings on a hotel while we wait for a place to live and I can’t do that because as a mother, as a human being, this reality makes you the biggest failure. Ever.

I was on the verge a major meltdown today when I stopped myself, closed the bedroom door and applied for a job in Prescott. When I successfully applied for a job, I sat staring at the computer screen and was overwhelm with the ugly glare of that haunting, burdened beast. I uttered, to myself, “I never thought I would still be alone at almost 50 years old.” That’s the blaring, cold reality. I am still alone and responsible.

When I was a naive, 23 year old, single mother whom struck on her own to make the best life anyone ever had come true, I envisioned a life that blossomed and grew as I headed into my senior years. I dreamed of a large loving family and a warm, picture perfect home with a roaring fireplace. Life did not turn out like I tried to make it happen. Instead, I am alone, carrying more responsibility, handling one crisis after another and just starting over again. Hell, I’ve started over so many times, I can’t even remember how many times I’ve done it.

I don’t know what this is but it is not the life I set out to create and the older I get the colder it gets and the more alone I am.

Just not cool, life. Just not cool.

Be brave.
Jamie Christine

 

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Where are you?

Sunday, December 17, 2018

It has been a long time since I have had time or energy to write. The seasonal job proved to be more than I anticipated. It was a tremendous struggle to work the job and complete the temporary assignment. The job itself was not difficult but it was physically demanding. I spent many nights in pain, unable to sleep and barely able to function for days. I am happy to say that I did fulfill the job assignment and it ended on a good note. I am now in recovery mode physically but happy to have seen it through to the end.

I thought a lot about writing, photography, crochet and moving while I was shipping out all those custom order Christmas cards. I find it humorous that some times an easy way to identify what is important to us is by the things we miss in life. If we do not miss some thing, it must not have been that important. Photography, I knew I would long to do again. There is never enough photography in my world. Crochet, was a bit of a surprise but I do find it relaxing. I also enjoy making practical and useful items. Blankets, scarves, hats, those sort of things. Writing. This one really surprised me because for the most point I have fostered a love/hate relationship with writing. It is something that comes natural to me but I have resisted it with a fierce determination for the majority of my life. I often have words, sentences or paragraphs rolling through my mind. I think about words just like I see photographs. Typically, I push them aside till they fade away into oblivion. I was caught off guard when I discovered that I actually missed being at home pounding at the keyboard. I literally stopped in my tracks when the desire to go home and write filled my mind and heart. So, here I am.

Moving.

Moving has been an adventure in my own mind. It always is though, isn’t it? Relocation, whether from one house to the next or one city to the next, it turns everything upside down. My decision to move proved to be no different. In the past few weeks, I have researched a variety of cities, in a few different states for a kaleidoscope of reasons. I’ve been to Maryland, Virginia, Tennessee, North Carolina and South Carolina. I have scoured coastal cities, mountain towns, bustling downtown neighborhoods and quiet college towns. I have cried a little, laughed much, wrestled with anxiety and had a few “hell no’s” for good measure. I have crunched numbers until my calculator up and walked away disappearing forever.

Through all the researching, discovery and indecisiveness, where have we landed?
Arizona.

The thought of leaving Arizona proved to each of us that this magical state we live in is indeed home. As I explored the idea of living anywhere else, my mind quickly focused on counting the days till I could get back to Arizona. The more I considered leaving Arizona, the more I realized that I just wasn’t done here. There is so much more that I desire to do and see here. I would often tell myself that adventure lies anywhere but my heart just could not let go of the fact that I wasn’t finished here. As the weeks hurried by it became very evident that we wanted to stay in our home state of Arizona.

And where is Arizona? Believe it or not, that is only about 99% decided, maybe 98%. There is a slim chance we may only move a far as a different apartment in Chandler. We are however aiming for Prescott or Prescott Valley area. We’ll know in 12 days if we make it.

Be Brave.
Jamie Christine

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Waiting Sucks

So, I am sitting here trying to work on my posts for the week. I am having trouble focusing on the tasks that I would love to get done. My stumbling block today is the job interview followed by the painful waiting to learn if you impressed enough to be employed! Ugh! You never really know how patient you are until some one asks you to wait. Am I right?

It is entirely possible that I would be more patient with the waiting if I had not woken up with a dreadful anxiety storm brewing in my gut. I had a couple of dreams that caused me to fret. From the moment, I woke up, the stage was set for worry. The moment my feet hit the floor, my day has been centered on keeping my anxiety and worry in check. I am not sure I could accurately articulate how exhausting it is to be in a state where most of your energy and focus are consistently trained on keeping your thoughts and emotions in control.

I struggle with anxiety on any given day, however, suddenly today, I find myself blindsided in an intense battle to keep myself from falling of the edge of normal. Days like today, where even my dreams cause me to barely sleep and I wake up in a panicked worrisome condition, I often feel down right defeated before I ever open my eyes. I am tired of fighting with it.

Over the years, I’ve learned ways to cope. Today, while I wait to hear about my job interview, will simply be a day of coping. One coping trick to another until I go to bed and pray to God that I do not have any more bad dreams or wake up screaming.

I struggle all day to stay on the right track and keep moving forward. Most days I am successful. Some days take more effort and determination. I wrestle all night just to get a few hours of undisturbed sleep.

I guess, I am just realizing, it is no wonder I am always tired. There is never a reprieve from stress, worry, anxiety or fear. I have nowhere to run. It’s never going to change or end. There is no way out. I have spent my whole life holding on for the day when it all stop and I can have peace. I used to believe that day was going to arrive, some day, some where, some how. I used to hope that peace would show up like a knight on white horse and rescue me but now, I do not think that is ever going to happen.

Wow.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

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“S” Words

Good Monday Morning!
Hope everyone had a super weekend. No dreaded Mondays here. Monday is just the beginning of a marvelous week brimming with opportunities. Today, I would like to share three ‘s’ words to catch up on my weekend.

Stymied.
Last week, I was stymied and was unable to make all my weekly blog posts. After my interview on Tuesday, things kind of, sort of, maybe snowballed into a blur of inactivity. I think it was the stress that built up prior to the interview. I had to take a break. To prevent another stumble with the blog, I am doing my best to write my posts ahead of time so I can have them ready to go. I’m pretty sure that is how successful bloggers do it. 😉

Second.
Tuesday, I had a job interview. I was extremely nervous but I managed to pull myself together and arrive on time. Once I checked in, I was informed that I would be participating in a group interview which is a completely new phenomena to me. I am not sure the reasoning behind such an interview, however, I did my best with the situation. Wednesday afternoon brought the much-anticipated e-mail requesting a second interview. Whoo-hoo! So, today, I am tackling interview number two which is an individual interview. Wish me luck!

Sleep.
Ah! The ever elusive friend, sleep. For over 16 months, I worked an over night job and try as I might, I still stay up all night and sleep during the day. I don’t find it troubling if I don’t have a job and have to function in the normal world of day jobs but that is just not the case. I am working hard to correct my sleep schedule so that I catch my Zz’s at night like most everyone else. Thank you, melatonin.

So, there you have it, a brief update.
Have a spectacular day!
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

 

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Interview Day

Focusing on getting the blog done early today.  To be honest, I am attempting to focus on anything I can to keep myself from having an all out spasm of some kind.

I did not wake up feeling good or confident in today.  I woke up feeling a ton of swirling negative energy. Right out of bed, even before my first cup of coffee, I felt a massive push to just let loose in a negative rant against anything and everyone. I am not sure if I can articulate what I was experiencing. It was as if I woke up and stepped out of bed into an atmosphere that was ripe with complaining, irritation, annoyance and negativity. The first words out of my mouth were criticisms about petty things. I thought, “Whoa, don’t do this.”

I was making my coffee and I felt out-of-place as the awareness of the bad spiritual energy intensified. I do not know any other way to explain this but I noticed a separation between me and the negative energy in the room. Sounds weird, I know, but things like this happen to me all the time. The idea came to me that if  I complain, then I will increase this negative mass of energy. If I indulge this dangerous beast then I will slip into this negative space sending myself into a disastrous day. I became acutely aware that if I allowed myself to complain or criticize then I would be sent careening down a path that would create nothing but negative nullifying anything good that may happen today.

While having my first cup of coffee, I thought I have to do something to change the direction of my day. The first thing I did was focus on the awareness that I was sensing. I am aware of the negative energy swirling about me. I am not making it up. Ignoring it will only force it to intensify and press in on me further. Speaking or thinking negativity fuels it’s growth so keep your mouth shut for now. Second step, do something positive or at the very least neutral to counter balance the negative and shift the direction I am walking. I can walk negative or I can walk positive. So, I told my son, Flash, about what was happening to me. He replied, “I know, I feel it too.” There you go, the beast is now out in the open.

Turning to the blog and my second cup of coffee, I scrambled to take steps that will alter my direction. The strangest part is that my efforts are working. The unwanted beast has backed off. I still feel a thin, slippery, slimy residue in the air but I am calmer. I am no longer picking up on the urge to have negative words come out of my mouth. I am not feeling the resistance that once so keenly held my focus. It is such an odd state to be aware of things like this and even though I have always been like this, I am still not accustomed to it.

I can breathe now. Today is going to be day of push and pull. I am going to have to keep one eye on the seen and one eye on the unseen. I am going to have to be hyper-sensitive about what I say and do. Every thought and choice will have to be weighed and measured. I will have to function in this world and battle the other world.  No wonder I am always tired and feel like I am stretched to thin. For now, I can not worry about it. I must stay in a calm, focused place and get ready for my interview today.

Say a prayer and wish me luck!
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

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Time to move it, move it.

Good Monday Morning!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful weekend. My weekend went by far too fast. Monday kind of crept up on me but I find that happens really easy when you are unemployed. The days all kind of slip into a time warp. At least for me. Adding to my calendar confusion is the fact that my sleep schedule is all upside down. I’ve been falling into the pattern of sleeping days and staying up all night. Attempting to correct that a little bit today.

I have to get myself turned around because tomorrow I have a job interview. Yay!! I have to get all dressed up and actually be prepared to shine in the middle of my sleep schedule tomorrow. Oi-vey!

I am however, super excited about this new potential job. It is in customer service at a bridal salon. Whoo-hoo! I do confess that I prefer hiking boots to heels so this position may seem a little odd for me, however, I do possess a diploma in bridal consulting. So, while it may seem far out in left field, it really is not. For the past decade I have kept up with wedding trends, planning and most of all, dresses. It is not uncommon for me to virtually plan a wedding and store it away in a file folder simply due to the fact that I found the perfect wedding dress.

It is an exciting development in my life. A new plot twist that is sure to bring challenges, learning curves and adventure. Who doesn’t love adventure?

Be brave,
Jamie Christine