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New Day

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Good Morning!

I am running a little late this morning. My thoughts are a tad bit scattered. There is so much zipping around in my brain that it is taking a good amount of effort to get going today.

I have job interview today at 2 p.m. It is making me jumpy and of course, anxious. I need to get this job. The company I am interviewing with is a work from home company. Which I’ve attempted in the past. I wasn’t very successful with it. My anxiety crashed in all around me and I quit the job after the training period was over.

But, I need to work somewhere. Going out and physically working, is just not a real option for me. I worked the seasonal job and it just about killed me. I barely made it through. The more I worked the job, the more symptoms that I experienced. Every day I worked at the warehouse, the sicker I became. It would take me four days of rest and being home bound so that I could scrape through three days of work. The more I am outside of my home, the worse my physical condition gets. Everything makes me sick. I feel so trapped.

I can’t think about this now. I have to stay focused on coming up with a solution that allows me to work from home. I am brainstorming an online store and hoping it will be success this time. I am also hoping to get this customer service job. As much as I despise customer service work, I have no other choice at the moment.

Have a good day. I’ll be back tomorrow. Hopefully with good news.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

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Friday Frenzy

Friday is my first day of work at the seasonal job. It’s finally here. Time to make some money. 😉

I had a busy, worrisome week. Lots of anxiety. Too much stress. But, I am hoping to end the week on a thankful and positive note. That’s my plan anyway.

Thankful to a dear friend who has offered to help with the rent for this month. Just a loan due to the fact that I could not find a job that would start in enough time to get paychecks rolling in. Applied for emergency financial assistance with an organization about 12 days ago. Haven’t heard anything back from them as of Thursday night. Not a peep. One thing I have learned, people are rarely in as much of hurry as you are at any particular moment. It always ends up feeling like they are just not as concerned about the prospect of being homeless. I have some things listed on-line to sell but no one has even commented. I’ve sold nothing bringing in no money. None-the-less, a good, wonderful friend has offered to loan us the money and we can pay her back when the paychecks start coming in or the financial assistance grant is approved or not. I am thankful for her help and friendship.

Positive note. I am finally starting work. I can not express enough times how frustrating this process has been since my contract with the newspaper job ended in August 2017. It feels as if it has been drawn out forever when reality it has been just a few days over 2 months. Oh good grief! Two of the most stressful, worried filled, irritating and annoying few months. I actually feel like it has been 6 months. I’ve applied for more jobs than I ever have in my life. At least 100 jobs applications. No kidding. How a person can put out that many freaking applications and barely get 4 interviews is beyond me. So many of my applications were never even viewed. I am so frustrated by it all. Job searching has worn me so thin that I am sure I am transparent by now. Crazy thing, it is not over. I just have temp work through the end of the year then we move. I have to find a job in a new city. Oh gracious, somebody help me!!! The good news is Friday morning will find me working, earning a paycheck for at least the next 8 weeks.

Here’s to a new job and the money it brings!
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

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Bridal Shop Bliss?

I’ve been thinking…

A few weeks ago, I had a job interview at a bridal salon. I was super excited about it. I was interviewing for a customer service representative position which would require me to work the front desk, answer phones, up-sale items at the cash register and generally be an assistant to everyone in the store. I have a lot of customer service experience in my 30 years of work experience. Topping off all my work experience is the fact that I have a diploma in bridal consulting and I consistently monitor the bridal industry along with keeping fresh with latest trends. Seriously.

I had two interviews with two different ladies. The first interview was with a calm and charming woman who was especially easy to converse and laugh with. The second woman was uptight, snobby who barely even spoke with me. My interview was less than 15 minutes long and she was ushering me out the door. Keep in mind that I am completely prepared to accept that there was a better qualified candidate out there. In fact it is pretty true in life that there is always someone better qualified than you and someone less qualified than you. It is just a fact. Here’s my however. I over heard the snobby lady say something as I was waiting for my interview that has been rolling around my brain and now, I am not sure about that my qualifications or lack of were the reason I did not get the job.

I was browsing through the stunning dresses when I over heard the snob say, “I liked her but I think she would be better in the back, in alterations. She was old you know.” She was speaking about whomever had interviewed before me. The lady who had previously interviewed for the job was an older woman. Apparently, the snob, felt that because although she was qualified, she should be placed in the back so no one would see her. Because she was old.

When I heard her say it, I was shocked and I thought to myself, “I hope she is not doing my interview.” Sure enough, she was the person I was meeting. The snob was so brisk in the interview and impatient. It was obvious that she was in a hurry to get it done. I did my best to work with it and keep moving forward with a smile. In hind sight, I am not sure that the snob ever gave me a chance. I am older and I am fat.

This is the first time in my life that I have ever wondered if I lost a job based solely on my appearance but after considering how the snob was willing to hire a qualified candidate and stuff her in the back because she is old, I am not so sure.

I understand, people and companies have images. I also understand that I am perfectly capable of dressing and grooming to company standards.  I understand this may have nothing to do with why I did not get the job. I also understand that it is wrong to put qualified employees “in the back” because they are old or fat.

Other than my weight, I was appropriately dressed, clean and well groomed. I was 15 minutes early, well mannered and have a bridal consulting diploma. I understand that I am a valuable, hard working and intelligent employee who happens to carry some extra weight. I understand that loosing weight would be better for me. I am working on it!

More importantly, I understand that, sadly, that bridal shop was no where I want to work especially after seeing how they treat older people. The snob can feel safe. Me and my old, fat, qualified self will just work elsewhere with people who know how to NOT discriminate based on weight or age.

Be brave.
Jamie Christine

 

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Monday Meet Up

Good Monday Afternoon!

I hope all of you have are having a super happy start to your week. I’m in a good place. Feeling a little like a doofus since I missed my post early this morning. I slept right through all my alarms. I had been up close to 24 hours so it was good to sleep in a bit.

I have found temporary employment. Yippee! I don’t start work till early November so we are scrambling to keep everything a float for a little while longer. Boy, I tell ya, tough times are so stressful! It takes some strong fortitude to hang in there in day after day. I am eager for the world to stop spinning but I don’t anticipate this for a couple more months or longer. There are lots of things to get settled and more changes on the horizon. Plus, if my temp job doesn’t convert to permanent employment then my job hunt essentially never ends. Deep sigh…

One positive thing on the horizon in November is a free business class! My local library is offering a FREE class on how to start-up a business in my city. Three Wednesday nights and they will cover everything from licensing to marketing to operation. Guess who is already signed up? Ha, ha! Me! I am so excited for it. Within the last month, I have said out loud to the universe, “I’d love to start my own business but I don’t have a clue how to do this.” Bingo! Free business class. LOVE IT!!

So, this week starts out kind of mixed up. Some struggles still happening but some good positive things coming into picture as well. Out with the old. In with the new.

That’s where are right now.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

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Special Saturday Entry

Hello,
I know that Saturday is not my regular day to post but I was off this week and didn’t get my regular entries completed. #BadBlogger.

I am dropping by real quick to say “Hi” and let you know I am still here. Still unemployed. Still using my air conditioner in October. Not happy about this fact.

As for my interview. I share the details next week but I made it through first rounds. I have been invited to have a second interview next week so here’s hoping for wonderful news.

Preparing to move. I’ve packed one box of dishes. I do not know when or where I am moving. I just know that I am moving.

Here is a photo that I love. Which reminds me that I may be entering a photo contest this month at National Geographic. Wouldn’t that be stellar!
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Gentle reminder. All photos are copyrighted by me and bentblossom.com. 🙂 Thank you!

Take Care.
Be Brave.
Jamie Christine

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Winds of Change

October 5, 2017 – Day 5

Cliche title. I know, but if the cliche fits…

I am really late making it to the keyboard today. There is a reason.

Yesterday, I alluded to the fact that I did not want to show up and do nothing but complain about my life and my anxiety. That is not me. That is not who I want to be in this life. I understand that life can be, at times, formidable which makes it extremely easy to take a ride on the Complain Train. There are times when life moves in and all around us with such pressure that before we know it, we are coasting in a first class seat on our way to an all out b!t#h fest. After yesterday’s post, I could feel myself settling down in that first class seat. I decided that today, I was getting off the Complain Train and canceling my reservations at the festival.

When I woke up, I was still pacing and agitated. I’m having an issue with my car right now, however, I had a few errands today which meant I had to drive the car. I woke up worried and panicking about it. I could not change what I had to do. I could not put it off for another day. I took deep breaths, broke my day up into small sections and only focused one section at a time. Completed my first errand. Had lunch. More deep breaths then headed out for my second errand.

My second errand was that I had to drive my son to a job interview. On the way out the door, I grabbed my crochet bag to give me something to do while I waited for him. We arrived safely. My son went into the building for his interview. I parked in a shady spot, it is the Valley of the Sun after all and settled down with my crochet.

I am not a super crocheter but I can make a few things and my skills are improving all the time. I rolled the windows down and continued working on my chevron scarf. Yes, I sat in my car, in 90 degree weather, crocheting a scarf, in the Valley of the Sun.

It was so nice. I probably should come up with a better descriptive word here but nice suited my situation perfectly. It was calm, quite and blowing through the front windows of my Kia Soul was the gentlest of winds.  Winds of change indeed because they blew right through me. I even said out loud, to myself, maybe I just needed to be outside. To clear my head so I could think straight. To breathe deeply of the calm that being outside brings. It was peaceful as I let the wind just blow all that junk out of my mind and spirit. While I sat there, crocheting, I thought about the past few months, the job searching, the stress and the worry. Focusing on one step at a time, breathing and being outside renewed a peace in me. By the time my son was done, I had completely a huge section on my scarf and I could think clearly again. I just let the wind blow it all away.

When I arrived at home there was a surprise waiting for me in e-mail box but that is for tomorrow.

Be brave.
Jamie Christine

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Kaboom?

October 4, 2017 – Day 4

I actually did not think that I was going to make it here today. It has been one of those days where I find myself running in circles, panicked and going no where. I feel like things are about to explode. I am doing all that I can to keep that from happening.

You know that scene at the end of Disney’s Toy Story when Woody ignites the firecracker on Buzz Lightyear’s back sending them spiraling into the sky. They are going up and up and up. Forces are shaking all their little toy parts as they zoom past the moving truck and soar into the wild blue yonder. Woody screams, “This is the part where we blow up?!” I feel like that. I feel like I’ve got a lit a rocket on my back. I feel like I am scrambling to prevent an explosion.

Yesterday was a productive day for me which included paying October’s rent and applying for jobs. When I climbed into bed at just past midnight, I had successfully applied for 16 different positions. I keep checking my emails repeatedly and so far nothing. I know, give it time. But that is what is freaking me out. I do not have a lot of time. I absolutely have to start making money asap or November’s rent will not be paid. I’ve got 30 days to come up with the money to cover the rent or what? I do not know what.

Of course there are other bills and other issues that all need money. Money is so tight or not even available. That is when I am tempted to kick myself in the ass because I can’t pull my shit together. The pressure to berate and attack myself because of my anxiety and my failures is so overwhelming that it shakes me like I am riding a rocket rattling around like Woody’s eyeballs under his little cowboy hat. Yee-haw!

This just the beginning. I have 30 days for it all to build, shake, rattle and roll. Thirty days of praying for miracles, scrambling for solutions and doing everything that I can to stay one step ahead of the big kaboom. I know, I get it. Everyone goes through rough times. I am not special. No one gets a free pass from trials. It’s just that after 40 years, you’d think that life would let up a bit but fat chance of that happening.

I did not want to write this post. I do not want to whine or complain. I hate complaining. I hate always being in some kind of predicament. I can not talk to much to my sons. Even though they are in their 20’s, I stress them out and I do my best not to do that to them. I try to talk to friends but no one knows to do. They listen, say sorry but what else is there. Everyone is trying to do the best that they can in the situation but so far we just keep going up and up and up.

I hate to keep bringing up my anxiety. I do not even know why I do it. I am used to functioning and hiding it. Lately, I just can not hide anymore. I think that I wish or want people to know that I am not as much of screw up as they have typically perceived I am. I wish people understood that I do not mess up my life on purpose. It is just that tough. But in my past experiences, the world doesn’t want to hear any of your problems. It only wants to you carry on. What else can you do. At the end of the day, everyone has problems and you are no exception.

No doors are opening. I’m going to need more money than I have, eventually. I feel like screaming, “This is the part where we blow up!”

My uncertainty is this, will there be anyone who says “Not today!” Buzz Lightyear to the rescue? All I know to do is too keep trying, keep applying for jobs, keep searching for answers and keep typing because right now, this is it.

Be Brave.
Jamie Christine