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Lonely Girl

Loneliness.

At one point in time, in everyone’s life, we all come face to face with the formidable opponent called loneliness. None of us are immune from experiencing seasons where we feel like we have been hung out in the storms of life all by ourselves. I wish I could change that but it is simply a fact of life that we all must learn how to wade our way through. No amount of wishing will ever change that reality. We all will face loneliness. Each of us will be alone at some point for whatever reason.

I must stress that it is imperative to say, loud and clear, I have had tremendous support and friendships throughout my life. I have been on the receiving end of some of the greatest outpourings of love in my life. I am extremely thankful for the people who joined my life and provided support whether it was in the form of friendship or money or just a phone conversation to let me vent my frustration. I am an abundantly blessed gal in this department of life. I see these loved ones. I acknowledge their gifts and help in my life. I am in both debt and gratitude to some superb people.

I am not speaking about having a life void of family, friends, loved ones and all the brilliant, extended support they contribute to our lives. I am talking about the loneliness that shows up right as you are about to fall asleep and in the dark, you come face to face with the stark reality that despite generous love and support, when it comes down to the grit of life, it is only you.

Your life may be full of loving family and friends but when the gnarly, huffing, beast of loneliness stares into your soul, you are stripped of all pretenses and you know, you are the only one who is responsible. You are the only one who is going to catch it when the shit hits the fan. You are the one who will feel the brunt of any bad choices. You are the one who has to muster the strength to carry it, whatever it is.

Loved. Supported. Encouraged. Helped. Alone.
Truth is, we can have all the extended love and support in this world but still be alone.
At least, I have always felt this way. Maybe this is my truth.

I had one of those lone moments again today. Only this time there was added element. I’ve been looking for housing in Prescott. It is turning into a nightmare. Any place that we can afford, doesn’t take pets. Any place that takes pets, we can’t afford. That is only part of the problem. The few places that we can afford and allows for pets don’t have rental units open for months. Which means, if we move and have no place to live, I am spending our savings on a hotel while we wait for a place to live and I can’t do that because as a mother, as a human being, this reality makes you the biggest failure. Ever.

I was on the verge a major meltdown today when I stopped myself, closed the bedroom door and applied for a job in Prescott. When I successfully applied for a job, I sat staring at the computer screen and was overwhelm with the ugly glare of that haunting, burdened beast. I uttered, to myself, “I never thought I would still be alone at almost 50 years old.” That’s the blaring, cold reality. I am still alone and responsible.

When I was a naive, 23 year old, single mother whom struck on her own to make the best life anyone ever had come true, I envisioned a life that blossomed and grew as I headed into my senior years. I dreamed of a large loving family and a warm, picture perfect home with a roaring fireplace. Life did not turn out like I tried to make it happen. Instead, I am alone, carrying more responsibility, handling one crisis after another and just starting over again. Hell, I’ve started over so many times, I can’t even remember how many times I’ve done it.

I don’t know what this is but it is not the life I set out to create and the older I get the colder it gets and the more alone I am.

Just not cool, life. Just not cool.

Be brave.
Jamie Christine

 

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Friday’s Thoughts and a Photo

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Two weeks into this new blogging adventure. I am beginning to establish a habit of writing every day which is something that I have not done in an extremely long time. Probably close to a decade since I abandoned any and all writing. I think my writer’s brain may be leaping, no sputtering, back into action kind of like an old superhero who shows up to save the day but just can’t quite leap over tall buildings like she could in the old days. None the less, I think about writing every day now due to the blog and that is a tiny leap to save my day.

I think a lot about the direction I would like to take Bent Blossom. I think the needle on my compass is twirling in circles as if captured in a magnetic force field causing it to spin wildly in no particular direction. In July, there was a major crisis in my life concerning my son which upended our lives. It was one of those events where instantly you knew things were never going to be the same again. My life is not the same and it will never be heading in that direction again. Foolishly, hopefully, I thought it would have settled into something by now but the dog days of summer have passed and autumn should be here any day now and still nothing but uncertainty greets every sunrise. Old things are passing away. I wait impatiently for new things to sprout. So, I don’t know where the blog is going because the compass has yet to cease spinning. Right now, I have blog and I write every day. That’s all I know.

Still no word from my job interview on Monday. Some friends are saying that if they had interviews all week they may wait till Friday to make a decision. I completely understand. I also am acutely aware the rent is due in 11 days. I need money today not in 3-4 weeks from maybe Friday. So, I’ve agreed to an interview tomorrow for some seasonal warehouse work. It’s one of those if you show up then you are hired. I’m praying I can do it. I’ve got two bad knees, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, chronic pain and who knows what else is wrong with me. Twelve hours of warehouse work is not ideal but neither is being homeless so I feel like it is a pick your poison situation. The warehouse work is temporary, just till the end of the year. Praying I can muster enough for that length of time and get us caught up a little financially. We shall see.

Ah, yes, the photo. This is a shot of a night-blooming Cereus or Queen of the Night as we call it here in the desert. I absolutely adore these flowers. It is always a treat to see them bloom on the cacti but you have to be outside at night to witness them spread their flower wings and decorate the night desert. I used the headlights from my car to light up this bloom and grabbed some great shots.

With that, I am drawing today to a close. I have many errands to run tomorrow. I probably should sleep.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

 

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Winds of Change

October 5, 2017 – Day 5

Cliche title. I know, but if the cliche fits…

I am really late making it to the keyboard today. There is a reason.

Yesterday, I alluded to the fact that I did not want to show up and do nothing but complain about my life and my anxiety. That is not me. That is not who I want to be in this life. I understand that life can be, at times, formidable which makes it extremely easy to take a ride on the Complain Train. There are times when life moves in and all around us with such pressure that before we know it, we are coasting in a first class seat on our way to an all out b!t#h fest. After yesterday’s post, I could feel myself settling down in that first class seat. I decided that today, I was getting off the Complain Train and canceling my reservations at the festival.

When I woke up, I was still pacing and agitated. I’m having an issue with my car right now, however, I had a few errands today which meant I had to drive the car. I woke up worried and panicking about it. I could not change what I had to do. I could not put it off for another day. I took deep breaths, broke my day up into small sections and only focused one section at a time. Completed my first errand. Had lunch. More deep breaths then headed out for my second errand.

My second errand was that I had to drive my son to a job interview. On the way out the door, I grabbed my crochet bag to give me something to do while I waited for him. We arrived safely. My son went into the building for his interview. I parked in a shady spot, it is the Valley of the Sun after all and settled down with my crochet.

I am not a super crocheter but I can make a few things and my skills are improving all the time. I rolled the windows down and continued working on my chevron scarf. Yes, I sat in my car, in 90 degree weather, crocheting a scarf, in the Valley of the Sun.

It was so nice. I probably should come up with a better descriptive word here but nice suited my situation perfectly. It was calm, quite and blowing through the front windows of my Kia Soul was the gentlest of winds.  Winds of change indeed because they blew right through me. I even said out loud, to myself, maybe I just needed to be outside. To clear my head so I could think straight. To breathe deeply of the calm that being outside brings. It was peaceful as I let the wind just blow all that junk out of my mind and spirit. While I sat there, crocheting, I thought about the past few months, the job searching, the stress and the worry. Focusing on one step at a time, breathing and being outside renewed a peace in me. By the time my son was done, I had completely a huge section on my scarf and I could think clearly again. I just let the wind blow it all away.

When I arrived at home there was a surprise waiting for me in e-mail box but that is for tomorrow.

Be brave.
Jamie Christine

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Kaboom?

October 4, 2017 – Day 4

I actually did not think that I was going to make it here today. It has been one of those days where I find myself running in circles, panicked and going no where. I feel like things are about to explode. I am doing all that I can to keep that from happening.

You know that scene at the end of Disney’s Toy Story when Woody ignites the firecracker on Buzz Lightyear’s back sending them spiraling into the sky. They are going up and up and up. Forces are shaking all their little toy parts as they zoom past the moving truck and soar into the wild blue yonder. Woody screams, “This is the part where we blow up?!” I feel like that. I feel like I’ve got a lit a rocket on my back. I feel like I am scrambling to prevent an explosion.

Yesterday was a productive day for me which included paying October’s rent and applying for jobs. When I climbed into bed at just past midnight, I had successfully applied for 16 different positions. I keep checking my emails repeatedly and so far nothing. I know, give it time. But that is what is freaking me out. I do not have a lot of time. I absolutely have to start making money asap or November’s rent will not be paid. I’ve got 30 days to come up with the money to cover the rent or what? I do not know what.

Of course there are other bills and other issues that all need money. Money is so tight or not even available. That is when I am tempted to kick myself in the ass because I can’t pull my shit together. The pressure to berate and attack myself because of my anxiety and my failures is so overwhelming that it shakes me like I am riding a rocket rattling around like Woody’s eyeballs under his little cowboy hat. Yee-haw!

This just the beginning. I have 30 days for it all to build, shake, rattle and roll. Thirty days of praying for miracles, scrambling for solutions and doing everything that I can to stay one step ahead of the big kaboom. I know, I get it. Everyone goes through rough times. I am not special. No one gets a free pass from trials. It’s just that after 40 years, you’d think that life would let up a bit but fat chance of that happening.

I did not want to write this post. I do not want to whine or complain. I hate complaining. I hate always being in some kind of predicament. I can not talk to much to my sons. Even though they are in their 20’s, I stress them out and I do my best not to do that to them. I try to talk to friends but no one knows to do. They listen, say sorry but what else is there. Everyone is trying to do the best that they can in the situation but so far we just keep going up and up and up.

I hate to keep bringing up my anxiety. I do not even know why I do it. I am used to functioning and hiding it. Lately, I just can not hide anymore. I think that I wish or want people to know that I am not as much of screw up as they have typically perceived I am. I wish people understood that I do not mess up my life on purpose. It is just that tough. But in my past experiences, the world doesn’t want to hear any of your problems. It only wants to you carry on. What else can you do. At the end of the day, everyone has problems and you are no exception.

No doors are opening. I’m going to need more money than I have, eventually. I feel like screaming, “This is the part where we blow up!”

My uncertainty is this, will there be anyone who says “Not today!” Buzz Lightyear to the rescue? All I know to do is too keep trying, keep applying for jobs, keep searching for answers and keep typing because right now, this is it.

Be Brave.
Jamie Christine

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What is Bent Blossom?

October 2, 2017
Two days in a row.

For today’s post, I would like to explain how Bent Blossom came to be and what you can expect to see as things unfold. IF things go as planned. If life has anything to do with it, things will almost never go completely as planned. Which sometimes that is good. Sometimes it is not so good.

Okay, I do not entirely know what I am doing. Surprise!

As mentioned yesterday, I have been starting blogs for an extremely long time. I would start them, get everything set up, write a few entries and then loose my motivation. Eventually, I simply went back and deleted them. I can honestly say that most of the time I quit blogging because the blogs, well, if they didn’t make money, they fell to wayside in my busy life. All of my blogs, with one exception.

Around 2013, I started a photography blog. I kept up with for months because photography is one of my greatest passions in life. I wasn’t make money but that did not matter. I was taking photos, connecting with other photographers and sharing my work. I loved it. Then, in May 2014, my oldest son died. Everything stopped. I have yet to find the motivation to return to that particular blog. I’ve wiped all the entries. The next few  years, I refused to write anything at all.

April 2016, the blogging bug comes back to me. I argue with myself for weeks. I was absolutely determined not to write another word as long as I lived. After my son’s passing, it was close to a year before I picked up a camera. Writing, as far as I was concerned, was off the table for ever.

You know what they say, never say never. Slowly but surely picking up the blogging again crept back into the forefront of my mind. I tried returning to my previous photography blog but it never manifested. Every time I went there, I was overwhelmed with my son’s passing and eventually just stopped going to that blog.

Anyway, back to April 2016. I felt the blog itch starting so, I came up with a name. Bent Blossom. The name came from two things. Years ago, I had a blog titled, Happy Little Wallflower. I loved the name. I considered resurrecting that name but happy was not quite how I felt after my son’s death. Then I heard, Pink sing, “Just a second we’re not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again.” from her song, Just Give Me a Reason.

Bent. Yep. Life has surely bent me, in a million different ways but I am not broken. God only knows if we ever learn to love again.

Blossom. Well, I just love flowers. It also tied into the Little Wallflower.

Bent Blossom. There you have it. That’s how it started. Where is it going to go from here?

Well, here’s what  you can expect. I will show up. I will share. I will be honest. We’ll just go from there.

Be Brave.
Jamie Christine