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Friday Funk

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I woke up in a strange mood today.

I can feel a funky mood coming over me. One of those days where I either get myself together or I bark at people all day. I hate yelling at my boys so I will make every attempt to get it together. I will spend most of my day cleaning a little, crocheting and watching movies. I may take a walk to the grocery store. My car is out of commission right now but the walk may good for me. Adding to my discontent is the fact that the first person I thought of this morning was my gold digging step-mother. When my father died she robbed my brother and I of everything. Hell, when my father was alive she robbed us of him. Thinking of her puts me in a foul mood but if the spirit is bringing her up there may be something there that I need to investigate. Ugh…

So, here is something bright and cheery to help my mood and wish you a very  happy and safe weekend!

Be brave.
Jamie Christine

 

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Happy New Year!

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Things have been a tad hectic around my house lately. We have been enjoying the holidays, packing and battling some nasty flu bugs. Personally, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and crocheting. Trying to figure out this season of life is challenging. New Year’s Eve kind of crept up on me. I have no super sparkly plans due to a sore throat, achy body and efforts to save money. It is going to be a movie, pizza and crochet for me tonight. 2017 is ending in a quiet way and I am perfectly okay with that.

Wishing everyone a safe, healthy and happy New Year! Make every day count.

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Kaboom?

October 4, 2017 – Day 4

I actually did not think that I was going to make it here today. It has been one of those days where I find myself running in circles, panicked and going no where. I feel like things are about to explode. I am doing all that I can to keep that from happening.

You know that scene at the end of Disney’s Toy Story when Woody ignites the firecracker on Buzz Lightyear’s back sending them spiraling into the sky. They are going up and up and up. Forces are shaking all their little toy parts as they zoom past the moving truck and soar into the wild blue yonder. Woody screams, “This is the part where we blow up?!” I feel like that. I feel like I’ve got a lit a rocket on my back. I feel like I am scrambling to prevent an explosion.

Yesterday was a productive day for me which included paying October’s rent and applying for jobs. When I climbed into bed at just past midnight, I had successfully applied for 16 different positions. I keep checking my emails repeatedly and so far nothing. I know, give it time. But that is what is freaking me out. I do not have a lot of time. I absolutely have to start making money asap or November’s rent will not be paid. I’ve got 30 days to come up with the money to cover the rent or what? I do not know what.

Of course there are other bills and other issues that all need money. Money is so tight or not even available. That is when I am tempted to kick myself in the ass because I can’t pull my shit together. The pressure to berate and attack myself because of my anxiety and my failures is so overwhelming that it shakes me like I am riding a rocket rattling around like Woody’s eyeballs under his little cowboy hat. Yee-haw!

This just the beginning. I have 30 days for it all to build, shake, rattle and roll. Thirty days of praying for miracles, scrambling for solutions and doing everything that I can to stay one step ahead of the big kaboom. I know, I get it. Everyone goes through rough times. I am not special. No one gets a free pass from trials. It’s just that after 40 years, you’d think that life would let up a bit but fat chance of that happening.

I did not want to write this post. I do not want to whine or complain. I hate complaining. I hate always being in some kind of predicament. I can not talk to much to my sons. Even though they are in their 20’s, I stress them out and I do my best not to do that to them. I try to talk to friends but no one knows to do. They listen, say sorry but what else is there. Everyone is trying to do the best that they can in the situation but so far we just keep going up and up and up.

I hate to keep bringing up my anxiety. I do not even know why I do it. I am used to functioning and hiding it. Lately, I just can not hide anymore. I think that I wish or want people to know that I am not as much of screw up as they have typically perceived I am. I wish people understood that I do not mess up my life on purpose. It is just that tough. But in my past experiences, the world doesn’t want to hear any of your problems. It only wants to you carry on. What else can you do. At the end of the day, everyone has problems and you are no exception.

No doors are opening. I’m going to need more money than I have, eventually. I feel like screaming, “This is the part where we blow up!”

My uncertainty is this, will there be anyone who says “Not today!” Buzz Lightyear to the rescue? All I know to do is too keep trying, keep applying for jobs, keep searching for answers and keep typing because right now, this is it.

Be Brave.
Jamie Christine