blog

Moving Monday

Good Morning! It is still morning right?

I am in the midst of trying to get myself on a new sleep schedule for my job that starts on Friday. Things are a little topsy-turvy at the moment, however, by week’s end they should be a touch better in the sleep department.

Sunday was an eventful day of decision-making at my house. For a few months now we have known that when our current lease is up in December that we would be making a move. I even started sorting through items, using up the food pantry and managed to get one box packed. Just one. My point is we knew were moving. Where we were headed to was a great mystery. Until yesterday. After months of scouring the country and cities galore we have, unanimously, settled on moving to the east coast. The state of Maryland. City? We are currently investigating, Salisbury, MD. Its location suits many of our needs and desires.

Yes, we are leaving Chandler, Arizona. Leaving my beloved west. I am already crying at the drop of a hat when I think of leaving my home. There is a good reason though. Family.

I left the east coast in April 1993 at the young and tender age of 22. I was living in Richmond, VA. I had two boys under the age of two. I was about to be evicted from the worst part of town. On a whim, I called a high school friend in Washington state. She said I could live with her mom. Within a few weeks, I sold what I could, packed what I couldn’t and headed west in Cheverolet Celebrity. I celebrated my 23rd birthday in Kent, Washington. I was there for five years when another friend, said, “Move to Arizona. We are here and you have no one there.” So, on a whim, I did. In May of 1998, I left rainy Washington for the Arizona desert.

I’ve been here almost 20 years. I’ve raised my boys here. I’ve buried one of them here. I have learned to love, laugh and live in this magical desert. Anyone who says there is nothing in the barren desert has not the eyes to see it. There is beauty beyond measure here and community that is welcoming and uplifting. Arizona is my home. I miss it already and I haven’t even left yet. So why leave? I know you are asking that question. I’m asking this question.

One word, family. I am relocating back to the east coast to be closer to family because I wonder a lot about dying. If I were to die suddenly, what would happen to my boys? Since they were raised in Arizona, they really don’t know any of my family closely. If I died, they would be alone, just the two of them. That is the last thing I want.

A second reason is what if other family members died and I never saw them again. I would be devastated. I suppose getting older and wrestling with death a few times can result in a person making decisions we might not have made before. If we suffer enough loss, we come to know how loss often shines a huge spot light on what is truly valuable in life, people. Not the weather. Not your job. Not your difference of opinions. People. Family. They are what matters most.

And so, with those raw and emotional thoughts rolling in my mind, heart and spirit, we are moving back to the east coast. Life is an adventure!

Wow, T-minus 59 days and counting.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

Advertisements
blog

Alicia Kitty, The Wild One

 

DSCN7883wmbb

This is Alicia Kitty. She sauntered in my life almost two years. She was born in a utility box near my home. When she was born she was a ball of muted gray scruffy fur. To be honest, I though she was ugly. Alicia was also very tenacious. When her siblings were sleeping in the sun, Alicia Kitty was dragging home dead birds at a few months old. She was fierce, relentless and crazy independent. The more I watched her grow the more I fell in love with her. At the age of 5 months, she followed me to my front door. I opened the door and said “Come in.” As she was walking past me she looked up at me and let out a loud “meow”. She has never left. Alicia Kitty is still independent, fierce and a little wild some times but she has blossomed into a beautiful cat. She is the best!

blog

Tired Tuesday

It is 2:58 a.m.
I have been up since 6:30 a.m. Monday morning.
I am still awake. I am tired but can not seem to climb into bed and go to sleep. I wonder why?

I have always had strange sleeping habits. My parents would often tell stories about me, at 2 years old, waking up in the middle of the night and going outside to play. I had the terrible habit of getting sleepy then falling asleep under the cars in our neighborhood. My mother told me that she had locks on the top of the door. I would stack chairs and such to climb up to the top of the door and unlock it. Fleeing to the great outdoors in the middle of the night.

My parents warned all the neighbors about me because one crisp morning, a neighbor almost ran me over if it was not for a tiny piece of my Dad’s stark white t-shirt that caught his eye. I wore my Dad’s t-shirts to bed. He brought me home and woke my parents with his knocking. The neighbor found me, sound asleep, near the front tire, oblivious to the danger around me.

After my parents managed to fasten a lock that I could not open, my mother told me that I would wander the house at night. She told me that because I was in my Dad’s white t-shirts that she would often see me flutter through the house. More than once she thought I was a ghost. Ghost girl in the white Fruit of the Looms. She said I was one of those creepy kids who stared at you till you woke up. I was always scaring the crap out of her.

My father worked over nights. He once told me that my mother would spend all day cleaning the house and I would terrorize it in the middle of the night. He would come home at 6 or 7 a.m. to find the house turned upside down by the little ghost girl. His favorite recollection was the morning he came home to find that I had discovered the 8 mm home movies and strung them around the living room like party streamers. He often cleaned up the house before my mother ever woke up so she would not be upset.

They bravely fought the midnight battle with me until the morning they woke up and I was not home. They searched all the normal places I would be sleeping. I was no where insight. A neighborhood search ensued till someone found me and another little boy. I have no idea where I found him. We were walking in our diapers and me in my white t-shirt along the side of major road. My mother asked me where I was going. I replied, “Dairy Queen.” It was at this point they started locking me in my bedroom at night.

It is safe to say that I have always loved the night. I work best in the early morning. When I was working the newspaper route, I loved being outside during the night. I was thrilled to see the nocturnal animals roaming about town. I always gazed at the stars. I soak in the coolness of the morning. The silence of the city has always been music to my ears. I always hear the moon call my name. Being awake while everyone else is sleeping is the best time to be playing in the night.

I am a long way from 2 years old but I still find the best time to go to bed is just after sunrise and a delicious breakfast. The moon and stars still catch my dreams. The magic night still calls to me.

I often feel like I am locked in a room. I despise the feeling of being forced to do something I don’t want to do or being confined. I will rail against being “trapped”. I have never reacted positively to locked doors. To people who tell me I can’t. To places I can’t go. Makes me wonder, how much do we really change as we age?

Be brave.
Jamie Christine

blog

Monday Meet Up

Good Monday Afternoon!

I hope all of you have are having a super happy start to your week. I’m in a good place. Feeling a little like a doofus since I missed my post early this morning. I slept right through all my alarms. I had been up close to 24 hours so it was good to sleep in a bit.

I have found temporary employment. Yippee! I don’t start work till early November so we are scrambling to keep everything a float for a little while longer. Boy, I tell ya, tough times are so stressful! It takes some strong fortitude to hang in there in day after day. I am eager for the world to stop spinning but I don’t anticipate this for a couple more months or longer. There are lots of things to get settled and more changes on the horizon. Plus, if my temp job doesn’t convert to permanent employment then my job hunt essentially never ends. Deep sigh…

One positive thing on the horizon in November is a free business class! My local library is offering a FREE class on how to start-up a business in my city. Three Wednesday nights and they will cover everything from licensing to marketing to operation. Guess who is already signed up? Ha, ha! Me! I am so excited for it. Within the last month, I have said out loud to the universe, “I’d love to start my own business but I don’t have a clue how to do this.” Bingo! Free business class. LOVE IT!!

So, this week starts out kind of mixed up. Some struggles still happening but some good positive things coming into picture as well. Out with the old. In with the new.

That’s where are right now.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

blog

Friday’s Thoughts and a Photo

DSCN6629wm

Two weeks into this new blogging adventure. I am beginning to establish a habit of writing every day which is something that I have not done in an extremely long time. Probably close to a decade since I abandoned any and all writing. I think my writer’s brain may be leaping, no sputtering, back into action kind of like an old superhero who shows up to save the day but just can’t quite leap over tall buildings like she could in the old days. None the less, I think about writing every day now due to the blog and that is a tiny leap to save my day.

I think a lot about the direction I would like to take Bent Blossom. I think the needle on my compass is twirling in circles as if captured in a magnetic force field causing it to spin wildly in no particular direction. In July, there was a major crisis in my life concerning my son which upended our lives. It was one of those events where instantly you knew things were never going to be the same again. My life is not the same and it will never be heading in that direction again. Foolishly, hopefully, I thought it would have settled into something by now but the dog days of summer have passed and autumn should be here any day now and still nothing but uncertainty greets every sunrise. Old things are passing away. I wait impatiently for new things to sprout. So, I don’t know where the blog is going because the compass has yet to cease spinning. Right now, I have blog and I write every day. That’s all I know.

Still no word from my job interview on Monday. Some friends are saying that if they had interviews all week they may wait till Friday to make a decision. I completely understand. I also am acutely aware the rent is due in 11 days. I need money today not in 3-4 weeks from maybe Friday. So, I’ve agreed to an interview tomorrow for some seasonal warehouse work. It’s one of those if you show up then you are hired. I’m praying I can do it. I’ve got two bad knees, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, chronic pain and who knows what else is wrong with me. Twelve hours of warehouse work is not ideal but neither is being homeless so I feel like it is a pick your poison situation. The warehouse work is temporary, just till the end of the year. Praying I can muster enough for that length of time and get us caught up a little financially. We shall see.

Ah, yes, the photo. This is a shot of a night-blooming Cereus or Queen of the Night as we call it here in the desert. I absolutely adore these flowers. It is always a treat to see them bloom on the cacti but you have to be outside at night to witness them spread their flower wings and decorate the night desert. I used the headlights from my car to light up this bloom and grabbed some great shots.

With that, I am drawing today to a close. I have many errands to run tomorrow. I probably should sleep.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

 

blog

Waiting Sucks

So, I am sitting here trying to work on my posts for the week. I am having trouble focusing on the tasks that I would love to get done. My stumbling block today is the job interview followed by the painful waiting to learn if you impressed enough to be employed! Ugh! You never really know how patient you are until some one asks you to wait. Am I right?

It is entirely possible that I would be more patient with the waiting if I had not woken up with a dreadful anxiety storm brewing in my gut. I had a couple of dreams that caused me to fret. From the moment, I woke up, the stage was set for worry. The moment my feet hit the floor, my day has been centered on keeping my anxiety and worry in check. I am not sure I could accurately articulate how exhausting it is to be in a state where most of your energy and focus are consistently trained on keeping your thoughts and emotions in control.

I struggle with anxiety on any given day, however, suddenly today, I find myself blindsided in an intense battle to keep myself from falling of the edge of normal. Days like today, where even my dreams cause me to barely sleep and I wake up in a panicked worrisome condition, I often feel down right defeated before I ever open my eyes. I am tired of fighting with it.

Over the years, I’ve learned ways to cope. Today, while I wait to hear about my job interview, will simply be a day of coping. One coping trick to another until I go to bed and pray to God that I do not have any more bad dreams or wake up screaming.

I struggle all day to stay on the right track and keep moving forward. Most days I am successful. Some days take more effort and determination. I wrestle all night just to get a few hours of undisturbed sleep.

I guess, I am just realizing, it is no wonder I am always tired. There is never a reprieve from stress, worry, anxiety or fear. I have nowhere to run. It’s never going to change or end. There is no way out. I have spent my whole life holding on for the day when it all stop and I can have peace. I used to believe that day was going to arrive, some day, some where, some how. I used to hope that peace would show up like a knight on white horse and rescue me but now, I do not think that is ever going to happen.

Wow.
Be brave.
Jamie Christine

blog

“S” Words

Good Monday Morning!
Hope everyone had a super weekend. No dreaded Mondays here. Monday is just the beginning of a marvelous week brimming with opportunities. Today, I would like to share three ‘s’ words to catch up on my weekend.

Stymied.
Last week, I was stymied and was unable to make all my weekly blog posts. After my interview on Tuesday, things kind of, sort of, maybe snowballed into a blur of inactivity. I think it was the stress that built up prior to the interview. I had to take a break. To prevent another stumble with the blog, I am doing my best to write my posts ahead of time so I can have them ready to go. I’m pretty sure that is how successful bloggers do it. 😉

Second.
Tuesday, I had a job interview. I was extremely nervous but I managed to pull myself together and arrive on time. Once I checked in, I was informed that I would be participating in a group interview which is a completely new phenomena to me. I am not sure the reasoning behind such an interview, however, I did my best with the situation. Wednesday afternoon brought the much-anticipated e-mail requesting a second interview. Whoo-hoo! So, today, I am tackling interview number two which is an individual interview. Wish me luck!

Sleep.
Ah! The ever elusive friend, sleep. For over 16 months, I worked an over night job and try as I might, I still stay up all night and sleep during the day. I don’t find it troubling if I don’t have a job and have to function in the normal world of day jobs but that is just not the case. I am working hard to correct my sleep schedule so that I catch my Zz’s at night like most everyone else. Thank you, melatonin.

So, there you have it, a brief update.
Have a spectacular day!
Be brave.
Jamie Christine