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The Healing Power of Capturing Real Moments

For those who know me, they know that December is a difficult month for me to navigate.

Christmas comes with its own set of struggles. It brings out so many different kinds of feelings in people. Most people associate it with happiness and joy – it’s a time of year where families can be together and enjoy each other’s company. Being a mom shows a different layer of emotion around Christmas seeing your children light up on Christmas morning. For others, it brings out another set of complicated emotions – sadness, anger, anxiety, depression – it can be a cruel reminder of everything that used to be.

For some, it’s both. Sometimes you don’t have the option of showing your sadness during the holidays because you have kids who look to you. You feel you have a responsibility to them to make their holidays as magical as possible, yet, you are in such a complicated place mentally and emotionally, and that’s okay.

A Deep Holiday Loss

I am approaching three years since my dad unexpectedly passed away. He passed away on December 15th, 2022. We were made aware of health issues in October (on my mom’s birthday to be precise, unfortunately). These health issues weren’t terminal ones – they were things to watch closely as time went on. However, things took a sharp turn when my dad started acting differently as we approached Thanksgiving. He had lost his spark. Things didn’t seem to make him happy anymore. It should have been my first sign.

We could tell something was wrong as we moved into December. We urged him to go to the ER and get checked out, but he was insistent he did not want to (I know where my stubborn side comes from!). After a lot of begging and pleading, he finally decided to go. Suddenly, one health issue turned to several. He went to the ER on a Tuesday. In a week, he was completely unresponsive. Within 9 days of going to the ER, he was gone – something I never thought I would say. Through that week, he learned he had an infection somewhere that led to sepsis. That sepsis turned into septic shock and organs quickly began to fail. It’s not something I would wish on anyone.

In the days after, I felt numb. All I can really remember is doing anything I could have possibly done to help my mom, whether that was getting the bills in order, planning a memorial service and contacting the [millons] of people you need to contact when someone dies. It was overbearing, overwhelming and all consuming. All while trying to navigate the holiday season for my two very small children.

In the days ahead, my sister and I would help my mom go through our life’s belongings, as my parents still lived in the house we both grew up in. We were able to go through so many photos and videos of our family that we haven’t seen in decades. To see his smile and his laugh were everything. I hold on to those memories so tightly.

How Photography Became a Safe Space

The loss of my dad has really shaped my perspective on everything in life. It has shaped the way I looked at my kids, my career and everything in between. Things that used to be important to me no longer mattered and things that I didn’t think about before truly started to impact me then. Photography took on a whole new meaning after such a profound loss.

Photography became an escape. It allowed me to do what I love without thinking, yet at the same time, there are times that I can recall the grief hitting me like a truck while shooting.

Over the past three years, I have shot hundreds of sessions. Each of those sessions have brought a different dynamic with their own set of feelings and emotions, and yet, every time I see a dad/daughter dance at a wedding reception, my heart instantly sinks. I go into a multitude of so many emotions.

Sadness that my dad is no longer here to create new memories with

Happiness that my brides have the luxury of being in this beautiful moment with their fathers

Seeing the pure joy around the room makes me smile.

But then, my heart goes into a different place. My heart goes back to the 2018 version of me when I was celebrating the best day of my life with everyone that was important to me. My heart goes back to the dance floor with my dad, singing to ‘You’ll Be in My Heart’ by Phil Collins, and me not making eye contact with my dad because I knew it would make me cry. It goes back to remembering how much I loved those moments with my dad. It goes back to thinking nothing could be better than this night with all of these people. And I begin to smile.

Then, my heart goes back to 2022, when I was helping my sister put memory boards together for my dad’s service. I remember looking back on photos like the one above and finding a way to smile through all of the tears.

Then, I feel gratitude. Gratitude that I was the one chosen to capture this moment for this sweet and tender moment. Gratitude that this bride will look back at these photos someday and remember the same joy and happiness I felt in 2018 when I look back at my wedding photos, because it’s one of the best memories I have with my dad.

I remember why I am doing this to begin with. I do what I do because my goal is to convey every single true emotion – whether it’s a wedding where I am a fly on the wall taking photos of each step of the ceremony and reception but still finding time to take photos of that intimate conversation happening between the bride’s parents in the corner or it’s a family session where the kids are running wild and things feel utterly chaotic in the moment.

I do this to make sure that you can feel what you felt in those moments. I do this because I want to provide people with these memories that they will truly cherish forever. While some people think it’s just “taking photos,” to others, it may be absolutely everything to them.

My Advice To You

Losing my dad in such a quick and unexpected way taught me so much about myself and life. You go your whole life thinking these terrible things can’t happen to you until they do, and when they do, you feel lost. You feel regret.

One major regret I have is not taking more family photos with my parents. Both of my parents were not fans of photos and often times wanted to be behind the camera (sound familiar?!). Had I known I was running out of time, I would have gotten us together for some quick family photos, regardless of how much complaining they would have done, because while photos can seem inconvenient in the moment, it may be all you have to cling on to, and I don’t even have that.

So my biggest piece advice to you is take the damn picture. Whether it be on your phone or in a professional photo session setting. Take the photos. Take the videos, no matter how annoying it seems. I can tell you from personal experience, it may be one of the only things you have left to hold your loved ones close.

If you are looking for a session to capture your family’s raw and real If you’re ready for photos that capture what matters most, I’m here when you’re ready. Whether it’s someone to make you laugh or someone to cry with.